THE CASE AGAINST SCIENCE (Or, Stop Being So Damn Scientific)

All these people are talking about how science is so smart. Science tells you the earth is warming up. Science tells you homosexuality is not a choice. Science says eating less meat is healthy. Science tells you science.
But has anyone ever asked science why the fuck it keeps lying?
In a new investigation by Alala News, science is on trial. We ask the tough questions. We say, HEY SCIENCE, stop dicking around! Give us the facts! And not the ones you support, but the ones we like to hear!
We will be vindicated.
First on the chopping block – vaccines.
I see you, syringe needles. You think you’re so sexy, dripping with liquids and waiting to submerge yourself inside of me. But I know what you really are – a HOAX. After all, vaccines have only eradicated ONE disease – smallpox. And really, aside from the Native Americans we murdered with tainted blankets, who the fuck cares about smallpox? (HINT: THE ANSWER IS NOBODY.) And no, I’m not aware of the privilege I have in not worrying about a disease because vaccinations successfully got rid of it. My head doesn’t work in riddles, science. Stop trying to intellectualize me.
Everyone is so worried about measles, now. If vaccines were SO great, they would have eradicated measles BEFORE they made a resurgence thanks to people not vaccinating their children. Do you get my logic, science? I’m pretty sure I’m making a lot of sense.
Other diseases vaccines have allegedly subdued in this country – polio, diphtheria, tetanus, yellow fever, and whooping cough.
Excuse me science, but whooping cough? I GOT whooping cough DESPITE following your shitty advice to be vaccinated. And you know what? It wasn’t nearly as bad as my boyfriend who caught it without having a booster of the vaccination in him. OKAY? His was a lot worse.
If you have so much to say about vaccines, how come I can get all the information I need from the comments section of an article about an unrelated topic? You seem pretty behind the times, scientific rationalization and study.
I think I made my case.
Follow this series for more hard hitting stories against science, coming soon. Next up: Global Warming (or, why am I so cold in winter?)

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