This Month in the GOP: February

February is a bitch of a month. Though it holds the least days, the freezing temperatures and back-to-back snowstorms make it feel unending. It is the epitome of the monotony of winter; the holiday lights are down, the new year has passed, the resolutions are forgotten, and I’m just a fat, freezing mess of a woman, refusing to get out from under my covers in the morning.

Unless you live in California, you can understand this feeling. For my California friends, I expect you’ll die by hellfire and coastal flooding. (Not really, but maybe.)

GOOD NEWS, FROZEN FISHIES. The GOP has been prett-ay busy this month and I’ve got just the pick me up you deserve: a collection of their greatest February achievements. I think you’ll find it both satisfying and vaguely nauseating, like oily Chinese food covered in vegan cheese at five in the morning.

…Just me?

1. Oklahoma bans smart kids. Not exactly, but inevitably. Oklahoma state legislators believe that AP US History classes are anti-American. According to legislators, the theoretical and critical thinking aspects of the course make the classes seem too focused on the problems of our country (and in theory, how to fix them, but we’ll just leave that out) instead of our excellence. One day, if this legislation passes, AP US History textbooks will use this event and its outcomes to showcase our country’s ability to stick its thumb up its ass and its head in the (climate changed) desert of coastal California. But, thankfully, Oklahoma won’t know about any of that.

2. Giuliani forgot the plot of Pocahontas. Colonialism is bad, guys. It is bad. But don’t tell Giuliani because apparently a lack of interest in raping and pillaging land and people for resources and money is unpatriotic and unforgivable. It’s an Obama-nation. (I slay me.) Giuliani used Obama’s… anti-colonialism… as a way to explain his comments regarding Obama’s lack of love for the country because of the “way he was raised.” What he’s saying here is confusing so let me translate. He’s being a racist fuck. He’s being an idiot. He thinks he saved more black lives in New York than anyone else because he confuses love with incarceration. He thinks that he rode in on his shiny diamond horse and stopped the barbaric violence of black-on-black crime and that means colonialism is good because white people save everything. He is narcissistic and seriously deluded. He thinks he owns whatever land he lands on.

3. North Carolina hates you because jesus. That’s a bit of an exaggeration. North Carolina doesn’t hate you… as long as your marriage is approved by the god of the person you need to marry you and your partner. If your marriage is distasteful, sorry you’re out. But it’s not about gay people, don’t get confused by angry, liberal rhetoric. No, no, no. They can turn you down if you’re trying to marry outside of your race, outside of your faith, outside of your… attractiveness. So you see, you guys? They aren’t being homophobic, they’re also being racist and crazy.

4. Fox News launched a holy war on Obama. At least… that’s all I could gather from their jumbled, hate-filled, murderous, uneducated, chronically inaccurate, and deceitful “reporting.” More on this later but I’m just so tired of people pretending they are religious and patriotic when they are really just ignorant, greedy pieces of shit.

5. The Oscars happened and Republicans hate everyone. Because that’s what happens when people with a platform to speak say nice things about important issues. Fox held a panel on the relevance of talking about equal pay. While many people questioned whether a wealthy white woman should bring up equal pay (the answer is yes, she should) Fox News brought in expert-in-all-things-clueless Stacy Dash to scream and spit for awhile. IT’S OKAY TO THINK AND SPEAK, EVEN IF YOU ARE WOMAN, BLACK, MEXICAN, OR GAY.

5. Oklahoma wants kids to get pregnant. OOOOOOOKLAHOMA WHERE THE JOKES KEEP ON WRITING THEMSELVES. Oklahoma schools teach abstinence only education that you must opt out of if you want your kid to not succumb to brainwashing. (Did you know Oklahoma has the fourth highest pregnancy rate in the country? YOU’RE DOING THIS WRONG.) When I say abstinence only education, I mean kids learning sex is bad, should not be had until marriage, and drugs and alcohol should never be touched for life. It’s all very realistic. I’ll just be sitting over here with my morning after pills and shots of tequila, kids. Come and get ‘em.

6. The Anti-Christ is coming…. according to radical anti-gay activist Scott Lively that is. And I bet you know who is going to welcome that little fucker in. He rhymes with oh-llama and he appeared in a music video I made last month. (Obama. It’s Obama.)

6. CPAC STARTED. This one is my favorite. It’s just the perfect ending to a blissful GOP-filled month. CPAC, or Conservative Political Action Conference, is held this weekend. Basically, a bunch of GOP talking heads and presidential hopefuls get together to spew word vomit and partisan angst. It’s an ongoing thing this whole weekend even as I write this, but so far there’s been a few gems I gotta share.

  • Scott Walker, renowned anti-everything from Wisconsin who bought his way into his elected seat and destroyed the unions, responded to questions about his ability to stop ISIS if he runs for president with this: “If I can take on 100,000 protesters, I can do the same across the globe.” Are your referring to the 100,000 union protestors, Mr. Walker? You know, those cops, firefighters, teachers, social workers, nurses, doctors, and free-lancers? You’re comparing them to… ISIS rebels? You’re comparing them to a terrorist group that chops heads off of people on video? (This is the same guy who recently suggested state legislation that effectively erased all college rape advocacy and has spoken out about the need to stop college women, and any assault witnesses including officials at school, from reporting rape.)
  • Phil Robertson of duck hunting fame said that STDs are “the revenge of the hippies.”
  • They held an “America at risk” conference.
  • Anti-Choice groups touted the phrase, “abortion-centered feminism is dead.” This is weird because I could have sworn I got six abortions this month. FEMINISM FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Donald Trump says that if he were president and wanted to attack ISIS he would, “hit them so hard and so fast that they wouldn’t know what what happened.” Super descriptive plan.
  • Fox News’ John Bolton said, “let’s not ever forget Benghazi.” Oh if only you would let us.
  • And finally, after referring to our current administration’s apparent “bowing” to “political correctness” by not saying ISIS is a religious movement with “apocalyptic” aims, Rick Perry triumphantly and encouragingly stated that “we will survive the Obama years.” And we probably will. Will we survive what’s next, though?

Here’s hoping March is as mad as February. (That was an actual sports reference, guys. The only one I will ever make. And I think it’s about basketball.)

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