What the Fuck is Happening in Congress? Boehner vs. Dems. vs. The World.

What the fuck is happening in Congress?

Am I living in a weird Underwood-esque White House? Is it all scandal, murder, and creepy men with canes? (Yes.)

At first, I was certain Boehner was gonna get the boot because everyone clearly hates him. I won’t even talk about his name because I’m an adult (BONER BONER BONER), but it might not even be necessary. There are so many other reasons to make fun of the guy.

mouth full of spit

he’s always got some sort of spicy mint in his mouth

His face is one.

Also his politics. His general demeanor. His bland eyes. His tan.

I’m sure he is a great singer, though. Probably.

Anyway. Do you ever get so caught up in your desire to make fun of someone you resort to adolescent name calling and hair pulling? I’m like two seconds away from making fun of his lipgloss. (He’s more of a charming cherry, don’t you think?)

Boehner really lost steam after the midterm elections. You’d think, after the Republicans swept the nation, he’d be sitting on top. But it turns out that despite his eager alignment with the Tea Party just three years ago, he no longer holds them in such high regard. Or, perhaps, they no longer like him. Turns out, he might not be conservative enough.

The guy who said, “our freedoms were born in the ideals of the Enlightenment and the musket fires of an historic revolution,” is not Conservative enough. I mean have you ever seen a more patriotic, ready to fight, strap the muskets to your arms and pick up your boot straps quote? The only way to make this quote more American is to add, “and we will drug test the welfare recipients,” at the end.

But then WAIT. Boehner goes and invites Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu. And the crowd went wild. I thought Boehner was out but it seems all the Republicans fucking loved this idea! They gave Netanyahu a ten minute standing ovation. Just clapping and clapping and whooping and hollering like they were at Jimmy Buffet concert and not at work.

Incidentally, Jimmy Buffet concerts look a lot like Congress. (White.)

But what a Boehner thing to do, amiright? Like, way to slide in right at the final inning (sports references make no sense to me… does this one work?) and just steal… home… like that. Way to convince everyone you were on their side. Except Obama’s of course. Because Obama did not invite Netanyahu. Obama was working on a peace deal with Iran and was in disagreement with Netanyahu, though openly hopeful and adamant that they are still our ally.

Obama didn’t show up to the Netanyahu charade. In fact, fifty-five democrats in Congress refused to go as well. Though it isn’t illegal, what Boehner did, it’s not… a great demonstration of faith in our legislative process and our elected leader. It’s also a pretty calculated political move.

It’s like Boehner went and invited Obama’s ex-best friend to his birthday party and didn’t tell Obama.

So the Republicans were like yes and then now some are like, no. It’s so hard to keep up with kids these days.

Boehner is losing steam and the Republicans are inter-fighting. I made that word up, I think.

But they are imploding! So the Dems are actually able to block bills and make deals. Or… pretend to. Boehner suggested a three week extension before figuring out funding for Homeland Security and House Repubs were like… nah… let’s just make it a week. Because fuck you Boehner, how dumb is that guy… three weeks, who waits three weeks, what even are weeks?

And to make things even weirder….

DID YOU KNOW THAT RAND PAUL IS ONE OF THREE SENATORS WHO ARE WORKING ON A BILL TO LEGALIZE MEDICAL MARIJUANA ON A FEDERAL LEVEL?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU GUYS?

ARE YOU HIGH?

I bet you are. I know what DC did.

AND NOW. Some nobody… like… just some dude wrote a letter to Iran saying NOPE OBAMA HAS NO POWER TO MAKE A PEACE DEAL WITH YOU.

I should say that this isn’t actually a nobody, exactly. It’s Tom Cotton, the newly elected senator from Arkansas. He wrote a letter and had it signed by forty-seven Senate republicans, saying point blank that any peace deal Obama made with Iran would die when he left office.

PUT THE BONG DOWN. I KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU. I’VE BEEN THERE. I’VE MADE MISTAKES, TOO. IT’S TIME TO STOP.

Once, I got so high that I thought each second was a slide in a movie, and whenever I remembered where I was, the slide moved sideways and I had to start over again. Like my consciousness started over every time I remembered I was alive. I also may have professed my obsessive and unrequited love for someone that night. Or so I’ve been told. Everything is sometimes a mistake. Especially that. And maybe your choices, Mr. Cotton.

So basically, Congress has lost its damn mind. And we’re just over here, paying their salaries, and just like… waiting for Iran to bomb us or something. To be totally honest, I’m writing this because I am very confused by Congress and its games. I don’t love Obama but I feel like this Congress is just taking the shit out of him for no reason (he’s black). I just want everyone to be happy, okay?

Even Boehner. I’ve got cherry lipgloss waiting for him. It’s the perfect shade.

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