Indecision-Ville: 2016 Election

Aren’t we all so tired?

It’s April of 2015, the election is a year and a half away, and sometimes I catch myself turning on the news and letting out a long, extended sigh of apathy. And sometimes that sigh of apathy makes me choke and then I cough a lot because I am out of shape. And then I blame the president because it’s probably his fault.

When elections cost 5 billion dollars and Congress cuts food stamps, I really stop seeing the point in the whole thing, you know?

And I’m feeling this way NOW. The election hasn’t even really started. Even though some people have officially announced, we’re still awaiting some potentials to declare. Jeb Brush and Chris Christie are still “thinking” about it, after all. They will definitely make up their minds any day now. It has nothing to do with political timing and calculated scheming. They just aren’t sure they want to. That’s how politics work.

And let’s not forget that the Democrats only have one candidate. We have – what’s the count now? – 402 Republicans in the race and just one, lone, Democrat. Granted, at this point she is the Democrat, but who needs choices?

I’m conveniently (and angrily) leaving out the fact there are other candidate hopefuls in other parties. We’re only really allowed to vote for right or left and have our vote matter.Sure, third party candidates might care more about the issues and less about the barbarity, but fuck them, am I right? I heard they hate America.

I’m preparing myself for the finger-pointing, the money grabbing, and the righteous anger of this election. Isn’t it funny? They all hate each other and they’re all the same candidate, really. They all get their money from the same place (except the Clintons who might get their money from Satan, if Fox News is to be believed) and that same place will tell them how to run their elections, who to elect for their cabinet, and just how strategically they can invade other countries without us knowing.

Unfortunately, the way I vote basically all comes down to the fact that one side lets me keep my reproductive rights and might not challenge gay marriage (because they’ve recently, conveniently, evolved) and the other side won’t.

And I really like my abortions, so you know who I gotta choose.

But even with all of that… I’m just… not ready for Hillary.

I KNOW. I know.

Everyone saw her video declaration come out and were just so R4H (Ready for Hillary). Like everyone is R4H all damn day. Smart people, too.

Am I missing something?

Was her video about anything? Because I basically saw a minivan commercial. There was a nice smattering of every kind of person and then some lady popped up at the end to sell me something I don’t really need.

Sometimes I worry that I’m turning into one of those terrible liberals. The kind that hates everyone and isn’t even really a liberal anymore. I was supposed to be ready for Hillary because two years into Obama’s presidency, I had a moment where I thought, “Oh, maybe I should have voted for Hillary in the primary,” and that regret and remorse has brought me here, into indecision-ville and skepticism-mart. (As a side note: I’m going to make a market called Skepticism-Mart and the shelves will always be stocked because people will just walk around questioning everything and getting into Twitter feuds.)

Maybe I’m just so tired of seeing why she’s a bad person from Republican talking-heads that I’ve started to just not care about her at all. Like when I listened to Mumford & Sons every day for a year and now when they come on, I really want to break their banjos. They’re great but I just want them to stop.

I will say, though, that I’m really excited for one person’s campaign. I’ve been looking forward to it for some time now. And that person is Marco Rubio.

There are many reasons why I could say I’m excited for him. He’s hispanic, young, and a traitor to his mentor Jeb Bush. But the real reason I’m so excited for him is because of his drive… his passion… his… thirst.

I’ve been preparing water-related humor about this guy for months. So far I’ve got this:

You can lead a horse to water but that horse is Marco Rubio so now you’re out of water. 

I should also mention that I’m not really the best joke teller. I know some people really like to develop their jokes and make them “smart” but I just really go for what I know. And what I know is making fun of people for getting on TV and having so much anxiety about a speech that they can’t function without getting dry mouth, and then thinking they can run for fucking president.

I’m really into making fun of that.

I’m not – however – happy that that’s all I have to look forward to this election cycle. I feel like I’m watching Hillary Clinton come into the position she always feels she was supposed to have. She did attempt to reform health care long before Obama did. She has been in and out of the political sphere for a long time. I just wish I had another option?

Maybe the 5 billion dollar election makes me a little skeptical about the candidate’s dedication to the real needs of this country. Maybe all this insistence on the middle class’ needs is a glaring indicator of their lack of concern for the poor. Maybe I shouldn’t be so excited that Marco Rubio is so thirsty.

After all, Jesus turned water into wine and Rubio just kept screaming, “CHANGE IT BACK, CHANGE IT BACK.”

Eh. I’m working on it, okay?

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