It’s time to bow our heads and embrace our future. The future of Ms. President Kardashian.
Before you get angry, I just want to walk you through this for a second. I’m going to take you on a sensory journey unlike anything you’ve ever experienced and I think by the end you’ll agree with me. We need Kim Kardashian to run this country. 2016 needs her. And I need you to make it happen.
I’m going to ask you to close your eyes and take a deep breath but I need you to just pretend to close your eyes because you’ve got to keep reading.
Okay, close your eyes (don’t).
Imagine the scene:
It’s fall. The leaves started to fall last month and the barren trees are visible in the school gymnasium sky lights. You like being here; it feels nostalgic without being sickening. You’re comfortable. You’ve got a nice warm coffee in your hand and your scarf is the perfect balance between soft and stable. Long since retired are your flimsy, skinny scarves from the early aughts. This scarf is a sign of the times, of your adulthood. You haven’t started to sweat yet either, so that’s good. There is nothing worse than being just a little too hot.
You’ve arrived at precisely eleven in the morning. You were able to sleep in because 2016 is the year that election days are finally made into national holidays, giving everyone the chance and the time to vote. Holidays are great. Today is great. Even with this influx of first-time voters, your voting station is relatively empty. Not empty in a creepy, I-bet-this-turns-into-a-zombie-movie way, just empty enough that you don’t have to stand in line or make awkward conversation with other voters. And no kids are around which is the best part because kids make most things worse.
There’s an excitement in the air that’s almost tangible. It starts as a tremor in your feet but it spreads throughout the whole gymnasium in a deep simmer. This must be what the moment before a winning touchdown feels like, or right before the curtain opens, or right before you finally lose your virginity, you imagine. You step into the voting booth and pick up your pencil. The ballot sits in front of you like an eager lover. You flip her over, ready to lay your pencil to her quivering skin. Beneath the initiatives and acts, the unimportant party members, and the kinds of laws that could effect you on a daily basis, you see the position you’ve been poised to elect: President.
And who will it be?
Hillary Clinton? You like her hair but you aren’t sure about her politics. Fox News said a lot of stuff about a place called Benghazi and you weren’t sure how to spell it. That annoyed you and so you decided you didn’t like Hillary for forcing you to ponder language’s little mysteries.
Marco Rubio? (Sure, let’s say he won the primary). All you know about him is that he’s too thirsty for his own good and California is in too deep of shit right now to deal with someone with that kind of need. You’ve always liked California. When you visited the state in 2014 you did 102 separate ice bucket challenges. You have a lot of friends.
You begin to panic. There’s gotta be someone else, right? Someone who fulfills your requirements of equal parts crazy, sexy, cool? There was a time in politics when people voted for the guy they could imagine having a beer with. But you’re smarter than that. You just want someone who speaks to you on a personal level. Someone who deals with your issues. Someone you’ve seen naked.
And then you see it. The name you’ve been looking for – even more – the name you came here to bubble in.
Alright. Open your eyes.
I feel like I should explain myself now, before we fully commit to the day dream. We were almost there, weren’t we? If you were with me the whole time and don’t need an explanation, please just skip ahead. However, if for some reason I haven’t transfixed you with my word play, please pay attention to reasons 1 through 7.
1. She’s an author. Everyone knows that the president needs to write a book before their election year. And lucky you, Kim just released her very own book of selfies. She wrote all of the captions herself. (She probably did not. But the pictures are definitely of her. They may be photoshopped – okay – but they are at least her face, so you can tell who it’s supposed to be. Or her boobs, or ass, I heard. Sometimes just a lip. Really, I mean, that could be anyone’s lip, but – I feel like I know her well enough to know it’s probably, most likely hers.)
2. She’s a cult leader. I’m not kidding. I always thought people hate-watched her TV show like I did. I am a huge fan of angry, hormonal reality stars and the things they complain about (money is hard). But I never truly realized that people watch this show out of… respect. I don’t think there is anything wrong with Kim’s choices. I have 40 twitter followers and $20 in my bank account so I am in no position to chastise someone for making their lives work for them. But I can chastise the people who love her to the point of religious fanaticism. And trust me, they exist. At a recent book signing in New York City, people waited in a line wrapped around the block for hours and hours in order to get the chance to see her and get an autographed copy of her picture book. Animal rights activists protested her support of fur and went into the signing with signs and tshirts condemning her for her choice in fashion. In reaction, her fans stated, “she doesn’t need that right now,” and “I heard fur and I came running out because I thought there was a sale,” and “she is god.” The woman can do no wrong. As a country, we can only ever rally around a candidate that we think is akin to some sort of christ-like figure. Except with Obama when we clearly all became Muslims. She’s already got a band of merry followers who believe she can do no wrong and the only way our system can stay afloat is if we continue down the path of no accountability, standards, or criticism. Like our police force.
3. She likes meat. We definitely can’t have a vegan or animal rights activist as our president. That wouldn’t sit well with the south or with libertarians. I’ve been watching Parks and Recreation, okay, I know what Ron Swanson’s about. What Ron Swanson wants, Ron Swanson gets and I think he wants Kim Kardashian as President.
4. She’s a job maker. She’s got a personal make-up staff of at least 45. You know she pays her eyelash applicator well and if she’s willing to spend money on that, she’s probably going to be great for the economy.
5. She understands Congress. She also doesn’t really do any identifiable work.
6. She represents the every(wo)man. That family has the benefit of having about 52 members, but more than that, every population is represented (except the poor ones). There are addicts, deadbeats, fat people, dieters, work out enthusiasts, women, men, transgendered individuals, children, unwed parenthood, divorce, divorce again, divorce a third time for good measure, plastic surgery, and rappers. Almost everyone can see themselves in the Kardashian Klan. Unless you work for a living.
7. She’s not too left and she’s not too right. Granted, this an entirely made up theory but go with me. She is probably extremely conservative in some respects because she’s rich. She doesn’t seem to understand the plight of the poor person, so that’s also a conservative quality. She will totally win their votes with her disregard for others. But she isn’t cruel, she’s just a little ignorant, which sells really well with some liberals who aren’t quite sure what they should believe in so they just believe in everything they see on CNN. There’s a nice balance there. She also clearly supports divorce and also really likes babies. EVERYONE IS SATISFIED. This election has people like Ted Cruz who hates everyone and Hillary Clinton who maybe isn’t left enough and Bernie Sanders who is perfect for this country in every way but, as a socialist Jew, has no hope of winning the election. Kardashian would give a nice middle-of-the-road-I-don’t-have-an-opinion-yet answer to most questions and then we’d probably get to see another picture of her naked. ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT DOESN’T INTEREST YOU?
See, we need her. Gone are the election years of yes we can and change. Obama is running towards the finish line, taking no prisoners. Except democrats who disagree with him and maybe underpaid Asian workers.
That’s a trade deal joke.
Now, if you will kindly return with me to our previous day dream….
Your pencil touches the paper before you even have a chance reconsider. And just then – time slows down. You remember all the reasons why she’s great for this country. You think of her followers, screaming at animal rights activists, crying about a book of selfies. You think, that’s what makes America the land of the free. That’s what makes us us. If you love America, you vote Kardashian.