I have this problem where I am constantly overwhelmed by the amount of projects I want to complete and, faced with the prospect of so much work, I end up staring at the wall, wasting all the time I could have used on said projects. I’ve thought about writing a lot over the last few weeks but I had too many things going on. When I finally got some time free, I found it best to lie on my living room floor and then drink tea in silence. I’m still cool, right? I used to respond to stress by drinking heavily and making bad decisions and now I just kind of feed my cat multiple pills to keep her alive. Just because I’m rapidly approaching my late twenties doesn’t mean that I’ve lost it. I totally still drink on weeknights.
There have been so many interesting news stories lately that I am actually exhausted just thinking about them. I just can’t write about all the shit that’s been happening.
And I won’t.
I’m won’t talk about Rachel Dolezal. I know you think I’m going to talk about her because I love race relations and cultural appropriation and chastising misinformed white people. I love pointing out how some people might be suffering from much more than just “identifying” with another race and what that means in a cultural context.
But I don’t need to do that. You already know everything about her. Don’t pretend you haven’t googled pictures of her face from fourth grade and calculated the average amount of money she has spent on perms since 2005.
And I’m not going to talk about how Jerry Seinfeld got in hot water with the media because he said that he doesn’t like political correctness. Because everyone needs to take a deep breath and calm down. Sometimes, comedians make these… geez what is it called…. umm.. j– uhh, oh yeah! jokes. Sometimes they make jokes.
And I absolutely refuse to talk about the Duggars. Trust me, this one is hard. I could have written a whole think piece on the Good Girl and Boys Being Boys – especially in contrast to the media response to some teenagers at a pool party interrupted rather forcefully by some idiot cops – but I’m not going to do that just yet. It will come, I can’t keep it silent, but not yet. I am fascinated by the willingness some Jesus-fearing southerners have to ignore their own pathological personalities. And also all that illegal shit they do. And also that it’s not normal for a fourteen-year-old boy to touch his sister’s breasts while they sleep so why isn’t anybody saying, “what the fuck happened to that kid to make him do that?”
But I’m getting carried away.
Don’t worry now – I’m not going to talk about sports. There are sports things happening right now, right? I assume there are sports things. But I definitely won’t talk about them.
I kind of want to talk about egg rationing in Texas but I think that would bore you. If I were going to talk about it, of course I would say we could avoid egg shortages due to the deaths of sick chickens by adopting a more environmentally and humane way of farming. But instead, I will just leave you with this: Texas has cut the amount of eggs you can buy at one time to three dozen. Three dozen eggs at one time is all you get. So just, think on that for a second.
I refuse to talk about escaped New York convicts because I’m more interested in that woman who helped them escape and I don’t think I should focus on love triangles so early in the week.
And I am not quite ready to talk about Charleston because I think that we’ve talked about Charleston with every single black death in the last month, the last year, the last decade. It somehow, though it seems impossible, gets worse each time, more violent each time, more convoluted. The discussion that needs to be had is intense and deep and is about so much more than a flag, than a lone gunman, than gun control, than the words Obama chooses to use in an interview. It is all of these things and more. Be kind. The shooting of innocent people is not political fire. It is an indicator to so much more that is wrong with our society.
I could make fun of Bristol Palin’s unplanned pregnancy but I won’t. I feel really bad for her. She must be extremely embarrassed. Similarly, I hope she feels ashamed, but I think that in these kinds of circumstances, narcissism and a profound lack of empathy help shield you from your own sense of guilt. Not because she’s pregnant – who cares, really? But because, as an advocate for abstinence only education, she’s hurt a lot of people, endangered a lot of young women, and denied people access to education on a stance that she doesn’t even believe in. That’s shameful, but I’m sure she’ll persevere. Here’s to her inevitable new pledge to abstinence!
You know what I THOUGHT this post was going to be about?
The big gun. The one and only. The most terrifying – yet wonderful – thing that could have ever happened.
Trump running for president.
That’s what it was going to be. It was just that guy and me and we were going to live happily ever after and touch each other. I was going to comb his hair, he was going to brush my leg hair (I really need to buy a new razor). It was seriously a match made in the ridiculous circus that is our political system heaven. But then something else happened. Something I can’t ignore.
I CAN MARRY ANYONE I WANT.
I’m in a heterosexual, committed, monogamous relationship with an amazing man but if I wanted to marry a woman I totally could. AND YOU CAN TOO!!!
Talk about FREEDOM. Give me all unwed, consenting, adult women!!!!!!!!!
But seriously, thank you Supreme Court for getting it right. You have acknowledged the rights of consenting adults doing consensual things. You have opened up a door that should have been kicked down a long time ago and we are finally joining other developed nations in the world in allowing all of our citizens to be acknowledged as people. Who knew it would take so long. Now if only we could stop killing black people and closing abortion clinics and stealing money from poor people and voting in the interests of corporations and destroying the environment, we would really be on top of this shit!
But I’m definitely not going to talk about all that.