In case you haven’t been keeping up, there are now seventeen contenders for the Republican presidential nomination.
Seventeen, you say? I’m also confused by this number. I found a list of thirty-seven candidates, actually, so seventeen seems a bit modest. But seventeen is the number that most people consider to be serious, so let’s go with that.
Though this number could be indicative of the beauty of our democracy, the ease with which people can run for office in this country, a real politics-of-the-people kind of society… it’s not. Because in order to run – and especially to win – you’ve gotta be rich, you’ve gotta have something to say, and you’ve gotta be made up entirely of garbage things. Sweets and peels and what not. Wrappers and old condoms. Coke cans and…. I’m so sorry about this pun…. Koch cans!!!!!!!!!!
Because unless you’re Donald Trump, you’ve gotta suck at the teet of the Koch brothers. I hear their milk tastes like pennies, smells like shame, and will finance your way to world domination – or at least to the nuclear codes.
But who really cares if seventeen, or thirty-seven, or one hundred people are running anyway, right? I bet you don’t even know their names. The race is so far away that it almost doesn’t even matter at this point.
Thanks to Fox News, the leader in all things unnecessary and blonde, we’ve got our first presidential debate happening TONIGHT. And, to prove media is unbiased, Fox News is hosting the Republican debate (in conjunction with Facebook and the Ohio Republican Party). BUT THAT’S NOT ALL. Not only are they hosting it, they have separated the debate into two groups – the top ten in the polls, and the sorry pieces of shit who don’t matter. The cool kids and the other guys. The jocks and the dweebs. The shirts and the skins. The tits and the asses. The cream and the crime. The foot and the cankle. The stars and the stank. The shines and the shits. The fame and the fart.
But really, they’ve decided to create their own debate, host it, air it, and then separate it in terms of what they see as the best possible combination of people to boost ratings during prime time.
Dude. I know Fox sells themselves as dumb fucks but they are GENIUSES. Each and every one of them. Even the stupid one that used to be on The View. Even THAT one. GENIUS.
Kudos to you guys for providing the rest of the country with enough material to write about nothing else for the next week. We almost distracted ourselves with a LION for fuck’s sake, but here you are providing us with true news.
You’ve given us Donald Trump, going head to head with nine other candidates, each so desperately aware that they are losing to a man who has never held a public office, who does not need money from anyone, and who made his fortune by having women walk around in bikinis for scholarships.
Trump told Bill O’Reilly, “My sort of whole life has been a debate, but I have never debated before,” which roughly translates to, “when sort of everyone hates you, you sort of can never participate in a normal conversation.”
There will literally be nothing better to watch, ever.
And this is coming from someone who watches every episode of The Bachelorette so the standard is set pretty high here.
For those who are as eager to watch this train wreck of misinformation and Planned Parenthood bashing, you have two opportunities to tune in. Loserfest, otherwise known as the “happy hour” debate, at 5pm will feature:
Rick Perry (The guy who was almost a serious candidate for president once.)
Rick Santorum (Running on the idea of “blue-collar conservatism” or as I like to call it, “middle-American ignorance.”)
Bobby Jindal (He wants to abolish the Supreme Court, so here’s a winner.)
Carly Fiorina (She laid off 30,000 people while at Hewlett-Packard, which doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing, except that she really seems to have enjoyed firing these people.)
Lindsey Graham (South Carolina’s first female talking turtle.)
George Pataki (LET ME HEAR YOU, NEW YORK!!!!!!!)
and Jim Gilmore (Who?)
And as if the thought of Rick Santorum getting a hard on while talking about defunding women’s access to healthcare isn’t enough for you people, you’ve got the real-deal-big-time-league happening at 9pm. Your superstars are:
Jeb Bush (The guy who’s going to win the Republican nomination when people stop dicking around with Trump.)
Scott Walker (Wisconsin tried to repeal him as governor and somehow failed at that?? Come on, midwest. Get it together.)
Mike Huckabee (He looks like your best friend from high school’s angry and overbearing, covertly drunk dad. The one you never wanted to run into late at night on the staircase during a sleepover, you know?)
Ben Carson (The brains surgeon, who unsurprisingly responded to questions about potential anxiety over debate with, “it’s not brain surgery.” Just like, fuck you, guy.)
Ted Cruz (Recently cooked bacon on the tip of his machine gun by wrapping it around the tip while firing at a gun range. That sounds so gay, dude.)
Marco Rubio (The thirsiest boy who ever lived.)
Rand Paul (Running on the platform of “DEFUND PLANNED PARENTHOOD” because nothing says freedom like taking away healthcare.)
Chris Christie (This guy believes that owning any amount of weed – even a seed – should be punishable by a mandatory ten year jail sentence. Dude needs to smoke a joint and calm the fuck down, already.)
Donald Trump (The myth, the legend, the rating’s booster.)
and John Kasich (Who?)
There you have it, folks. I will be watching with bated breath, popcorn, and maybe even a vibrator. I am that excited. Let the games officially begin.
(Also, it’s Jon Stewart’s last night hosting the Daily Show, so if you want some entertainment that doesn’t result in you plucking out your uterus just to make things easier for yourself come 2016, be sure to head over to Comedy Central at 11am for all the feels.)