Listen boys, I understand that people are out to get you. I really get how hard it can be, when you’re thriving and living your life, and other people just don’t seem to understand.
Have you ever been called a douchebag?
Ever been told you’re insensitive, or made to believe that you’re politically incorrect?
Have you ever felt like your freedom of speech and/or religious freedoms and/or masculinity is under attack?
Well then, look no further. Stop apologizing and start aggrandizing.
You’re totally great and everyone else is the problem.
1. You just want to know where to buy toys. And Target is trying to take that right away from you. We’ve all heard by now that Target is taking away gender labeling on their toy aisles. But like – how will you know where to buy a boy‘s doll? Or a girl‘s GI Joe? What if you really need a wallet but now all the blue ones and the pink ones are mixed up and you aren’t sure which one your kid will like more? Target is out to get you, and you alone. It’s a personal attack on your need for gender specificity, but more importantly on your religious freedom. Because without gender labeling, who even is Jesus? Even more, it’s legitimately much harder for you to pick out toys this way. What’s the difference between a girl’s bouncy ball and boy’s? Nothing. Except that it’s labeled. And now IT’S NOT EVEN THAT. It might as well not even exist. I get you.
2. You don’t want a dick in the lady’s room. Despite all evidence to the contrary, you and I both know that transgender females are really just men wanting to rape some girls in the bathroom, under cover of wig and estrogen. And that isn’t safe. You’re thinking about your wives and mothers, daughters and friends. And that’s great of you – because women are only worth thinking about in terms of their relationship to men. And a man can’t possibly want to pee in a women’s restroom without raping them right? Though some might say this says more about you than any transgender female out there, I happen to think you’re right. Kudos.
3. Speaking of, you really want to know what genitals people have. Like, does Caitlyn Jenner still have a penis though? Because, much like gender labeling at Target, I can’t really have a conversation with you unless I know what’s in your panties. Similarly, all babies should wear appropriate gender coloring, so that we know what genitals they have as they are rolled down the street. That’s just appropriate, okay? Has everyone gone mad?
4. You are a protector of all life. And what this really means is that you don’t believe in abortion. And don’t even listen to those that cry “reproduction rights!” and “safety of women’s lives!” and “pro choice!” because they are wrong. Wrongy-wrongy-wrong. If a woman is raped, her baby is precious. If a woman is dying and needs to undergo an emergency operation that will kill her fetus but save her life – NO – because ALL lives are worth saving. ALL of them. ALL OF THE UNBORN ONES. And nobody – not a woman, or a mom, or a woman, or a person who is female, could even understand the situation well enough to argue with you. What do they even know about producing life? Seems like they just want to use tampons and take birth control and fuck people. How dare they fuck people. Unless it’s you, when you’re being nice (see number 10).
5. Bartenders don’t know how to handle your personality. I’m going out on a limb here but I’m thinking you might be the kind of person who’s been kicked out of a bar before. Let me guess – refused service for poor behavior? I knew it. The thing you have to know about bartenders, and I’m speaking specifically of female bartenders here, is that they really want to fuck you. So when they push you away, tell you they aren’t interested, cut you off, or act “offended,” it’s not because you’re bad. It’s because you’re so sexy.
6. All lives matter. Aren’t you fucking sick of people making up race wars? As we all know, the more you bring up race, the more you create racial tension. If you just ignore it, or more importantly, create a movement specifically designed to ignore the movement of a segregated group, then the racial tension just goes away.
7. You just want women to stop getting raped by Mexicans. Build the fucking wall already, amiright?
8. You really feel for Josh Duggar. The poor guy. He was raised in a fundamentalist christian household that led him to believe he was untouchable, in charge, and superior. So when he touches his sisters or cheats on his wife, it’s not that he doesn’t know he’s making some poor choices… it’s that he feels he is entitled to them. And just so everyone is clear god has truly forgiven him, as god does for all Christians. You know, he was just a kid who was a little too interested in girls in his teenage years and, like I’m sure you can relate, touched his sisters while they slept in order to satisfy this curiosity. I mean, really, what warm-blooded american male hasn’t touched their sisters when they start going through puberty? It’s practically a right of passage. But to then be outed as a cheater through the Ashely Madison hack – the poor guy just can’t catch a break. If only his wife had been more attractive.
9. People are usually jealous of you. I don’t know – is it your looks? Your money? Your education? I’m not quite sure. But I’m sure you could tell me.
10. You’re too nice. And nice guys never get the girl. You’re just trying to show some chivalry, in order to get fucked. You open doors to get fucked, you buy dinner to get fucked, you listen to what your date is saying to get fucked, you make the money to get fucked. And then when you aren’t fucked? You get really mad because look at how nice you were!!! Honestly, you’re too nice. Maybe if you started treating girls like shit, they would respect you. But you just can’t because you’re too nice. You are always so nice. And you even make sure that you tell the girls that you’re too nice and they still don’t even see how nice you are. Like, you took a girl home when she was really drunk and you tucked her into bed and you didn’t even think about raping her and she’s gonna pretend she’s not interested in you? Sucks for you, nice guy.
11. You really think Donald Trump would be good for this country. But you’d settle for Rubio.
Let’s make America great again, guys. Own up to this list, it’s okay, Alala News understands you. It’s not you, it really is everyone else.