Debates Round 2: What They Should Really Be Talking About

Tonight marks the second Republican debate – this time hosted by CNN – this time still featuring idiots.

It makes no difference what station these people appear on, though perhaps there will be less riotous applause from the audience when the contestants (because this is America’s greatest pageant) spew hateful rhetoric. Although, it’s still the republican debate, so I assume the same people will be in the audience regardless of CNN’s  “liberal bias.”

It’s not like I think democrats or independents are any less hateful it’s just that I agree with what they hate. I have a fond appreciation for people who hate things… unless you hate things that I think make you terrible.

What can we expect from the candidates this evening? That’s what every major news outlet I tune into has been asking. As you know, I watch Fox News while I work out (they inspire me to run very, very far away from here), and this morning they laid out a pretty good idea of what I can expect from the players. Specifically, someone’s gonna confront Trump!!! Because he’s not a REAL Republican!!! Even though he has a huge Republican following!!!! But that doesn’t matter because he’s not a real Republican!!!! And if the other Republicans say that enough maybe it will start to matter!!!!

If that’s really the greatest thing to come out of tonight – someone saying Trump isn’t a real Republican – then I don’t even know if it’s worth watching.

What I would prefer to hear from the top GOP candidates is something meaningful.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHAHAHA.

No, but really.

Actually – and I can’t believe I’m saying this – I want them to talk about September 11th.

I’m not talking about 9/11 tragedy-porn, like politicians so often wax on about when onstage. Coincidentally, republicans are especially guilty of this. I’M LOOKING AT YOU, CHRIS CHRISTIE. Why is that? You think your horror is more acute because you also like Jesus? You aren’t 9/11, you don’t own it.

So I want them to talk about it, but I want them to talk about it how I want them to talk about it, because I’m bossy and also because I’m right.

I want to hear about the policy that came about as a direct result of 9/11. Fear policy. Poor economic policy. The policies that have so persistently hurt us and the rest of the world and were approved by some of these very candidates.

I think marriage equality, abortion rights, and freedom of religion are all valid points and necessary ideals in order to have a good and functional country – not to mention just an all-around, not-dickish country. But when an entire debate focuses around ludicrous science backing up why abortions will turn each woman into a blood-sucking demon, I just get a little tired. We pretend we are talking about something when we talk about the morality of these issues. We are pretending, because it’s easier to get an audience riled up about some woman who refuses to sign marriage licenses than to focus on the other issues that the candidates are hoping you forget about.

And to be clear, I do get riled up about some stupid woman refusing to sign marriage licenses. I wrote a whole blog post about it because she’s a fucking idiot. But, also, I write blog posts on a website I made up and I’m not running for president. Absolutely NO political candidate who supports Kim Davis should be taken seriously. If they were decent human beings, they would support equality and then move on and talk about how to support equality elsewhere. Instead, they spew 9/11 rhetoric, mixed in with their crazy social bullshit, and pretend like they are the party that cares, despite the fact that they have routinely fucked over Iraq veterans, cut funding for programs that would help citizens, shut down the government, and whine. They really, really know how to whine.

I didn’t write anything on September 11th because I figured it was a day to be respectful and not point out all of the terrible choices are country has made since 2001. But now the anniversary is over and it’s time to look at our situation in a realistic way.

I was 13 in 2001. It was 8th grade picture day. I was getting surgery on my broken left shoulder the day we invaded Iraq in 2003. I graduated college with an art degree in 2009, months after the recession hit… and then became a bartender because what the fuck else do you do with that?

My entire generation grew up in a country that destroyed everything. We destroyed the lives of innocent people around the world, we destroyed the middle class, we destroyed privacy.

I’m not naive enough to think any of this legislation was new to that particular era or tragedy. 9/11 didn’t just create corrupt politicians and war-hungry, selfish, rich guys, but it definitely helped them flourish.

So we need to focus on real things. I would respect a republican if they could just let go of all the social morality shit. Just let it go. Your morals are skewed anyway because you think it’s okay for a teenage mother is squalor in poverty because she decided to have sex rather than let her have a safe medical procedure while she finishes high school – or teach people about sex or, like, history that doesn’t make white people look falsely awesome. You’re all obsessed with controlling bodies and decisions, and then claim to be the party of small government. You might like low regulation for businesses and banks but you certainly seem to have crawled up, inside, and around my vagina and told me what you want me to do with it. That feels very regulatory to me, you’re just pretending it isn’t because you do it while quoting the bible.

And really, this shit doesn’t MATTER. Or, rather, it shouldn’t.  Social issues (equality, healthcare, equal opportunity) should be a given. They shouldn’t be used to distract us and make us argue with each other while the powers that be continue to fuck us over with poor economic and national security choices. The republicans who hate the NSA for tapping our phones voted for the patriot act as a means to protect freedom. FREEDOM! And instead of us talking about that, you know what we talk about?

Abortion.

You know what we were talking about in the 2000 election?

Abortion.

You know what we were talking about in the 2004 election?

Bush being an idiot. War. And also abortion.

2008?

There’s a black guy running. I bet he likes abortion.

DO YOU SEE WHY THIS IS SO STUPID?

I want a republican to stop all of this and say HERE IS MY PLAN FOR ECONOMIC RECOVERY AND IT DOES NOT INCLUDE DEFUNDING PLANNED PARENTHOOD. AND ALSO HEALTHCARE IS WONDERFUL. AND ALSO DONALD TRUMP IS GREAT ENTERTAINMENT.

I think I’m basically asking republicans to be liberal and also not politicians. That’s basically what I want in a candidate – liberal, not a politician, sane, fair, old. I like them old. Makes me feel like they could be my parent and what millennial doesn’t want another parent? Someone to give us a cookie and tell us we’re special?

I NEED IT.

We all really need it.

So please, give it to me, republican contestants. Give. Me. Your. Cookies. And also something I can actually believe in.

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