Changing Party Lines: The Right and The Hillary

Today is GOP pride day.

Don’t believe me? Well then explain to me the fact that the third and final (it is the final one, right?? RIGHT???) GOP debate will air tonight, as well as the nomination and position acquisition of Speaker of the House by none other than Paul Ryan – boy wonder of widow’s peaks and work-out enthusiasm. We all thought John Boehner was a doozy (until he retired, and then somehow we all forgot he tried to sue the president and called him a moderate), but Paul Ryan makes John Boehner look like Bernie Sanders (minus the Jewy part). Ryan didn’t want the job, until he made certain demands to make it more appealing. Demands that included he be supported by all the different factions of Republican-ism (?) in the House. Can I get elected to things that way?

I will only take this position if you all support me in taking this position. You see how I convinced you to give me something you were already going to give me? Feel my power!

And what does this all mean?

We are heading towards perhaps the most conservative, far-right White House we’ve ever seen.

We all know that the current GOP candidates are not Republicans. They are Tea-Party-infected, delusional paranoids, with little basis in fact or science, and a sickening fear of almost all things. Except guns. They really like those.

Donald Trump is no longer leading the polls, to the delight of many on the right and the collective sanity of the left. However, he’s been replaced by Ben Carson; the neurosurgeon who somehow doesn’t brain. It’s difficult to find a more anti-science head surgeon, but don’t worry, we’ve got him. He’s without Trump’s entertaining persona, but thankfully with all of his crazy ideas. And, I assume, because he’s a brain surgeon, he will develop some sort of hate-injection to produce anti-abortion/gay rights/truth rhetoric that, once elected, he will make mandatory for all adults. Granted, this is just theory, but I’m pretty sure I’m right. This is science!

Also, poor Jeb! Bush. He totally thought he had this in the bag and now he’s trailing behind two people with no political experience and his former mentee, Marco Rubio, the thirstiest boy in Washington. Too bad, so sad, nobody cares about you, your brother was a terrible president.

If one of these nuts gets elected, with a Paul Ryan speaking for the House, I assume we’ll all just crumble in our beds, eating mandatory deer-meat patties shot on the range by avid hunters with AK-47s (as is their right), while reading the Bible and pushing out unwanted children.


And I wish I could say I was holding out hope for the left. While I support Bernie Sanders and plan to vote for him in the primary, it is common knowledge among all media and political outlets that continuously scream this to me from my laptop that Hillary Clinton will secure the nomination.

I think Bernie could take it, but there are a lot of people who are scared of what it would look like if he faced any of the Republicans on the right. He is basically the opposite-same as Trump. An outsider who is not using billionaires to fund his campaign, who hates most of what Washington does, and appears to be an outsider even within his own party. Except Trump had a reality show and a hot wife and people like that a lot. Also, for some reason people are much more scared of a Jew from New York than a bankrupt billionaire from New York. So.

It’s not that I don’t like Hillary. She’s experienced, she’s great with the press, she’s strong, she’s unbelievably intelligent. In fact, last night she appeared on Colbert and she used the word usurious, which I had to look up in order to understand and had to look up again just now to learn how to spell. And I KNOW words, okay? SAT vocab section had nothing on me. And I had never heard this word before. And she just threw it out in normal conversation on a late night talk show like it was fucking NORMAL speech, okay? She’s a fucking genius.

And no, I’m not going to tell you what it means. You can search just like I did. The internet is a wonderful place.

But here’s the thing about genius Hill – she’s not a liberal. In the same way that today’s Republican candidates are not really in line with the party’s traditional conservative lines and lean way more right than the party originally  did, Hillary is not a liberal. She at best a moderate, and mainly because she’s a feminist and has aided healthcare reform since her days as first lady.

After the Democrat debate a couple of weeks ago, I was shocked to see all of the media attention spotlighting her “win.” If we are searching for the next progressive leader, I would assume we would focus on all the ways she is not that thing.

Instead, she was touted as the number one, goal-hitting, opponent-crushing behemoth of modern progressivism. She said things like, “capitalism is great for small businesses,” and, “I would not legalize recreational marijuana,” and, “cut it out!” to the big banks.

You know, real hippie stuff.

She is not a modern day liberal anymore than her husband was “the first black president,” as he was so inappropriately titled during his presidency. See, Republicans were just as crazy then as they are now and when Clinton aimed to recreate welfare standards, the right saw it as an opportunity to call him black, seeing as how black people and welfare apparently go hand-in-hand to those people (then and now). Turns out Clinton #1 reformed welfare in a way that really ends up fucking over low-income individuals so he’s more just like the 42nd white president.

She’s against reinstating Glass-Steagall (her husband voted it away), she’s against legalizing marijuana in favor of seeing how it goes in states where it has been decriminalized, while allowing the conversation to skewer the drug war and the unfair incarceration of black and brown men without hint of irony, it took her a LONG time to declare her support of gay marriage and equality, even LONGER to come out against the Keystone Pipeline (it took Obama even longer), and her number one campaign contributors are the big banks and money systems that have no desire to help the American people. She believes Snowden needs to be punished, as he may have aided terrorists. She refused to say, “black lives matter,” when asked in the debate.

I don’t doubt she would be great at her job, I just don’t trust her to stand for the liberal ideals I want out of my president. But I guess I don’t want a politician to be my president (and somehow I don’t find the non-politician Carson calming, either). She’s not a liberal, but she’s definitely not a Republican, as is indicated by the new rogue actors in this primary. So where does she stand?

Probably on the ballot for the national election; a fact that I’m resigned to accepting when it happens. And I will vote for her (and push her on everyone I know) when/if she does gain that spot. But I’m tired of these weird party lines where we pretend they aren’t all exactly the same, or something other than what they pretend to be.

As for tonight’s debate, I am missing it. I have plans I can’t get out of, though I can’t pretend I’m not excited to avoid looking at Carly Fiorina’s death glare of abortion-hate. That woman has seriously gotta get a new tagline because “woman who hates women” is starting to really drag. Take a notch out of Jeb!’s book and just add a random exclamation point. Car!ly. God, Car!ly, you’re so stupid.

Anyway, to the FUTURE! To transitioning party ideals! To primetime televised debates!

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