5 Ways You Can Fight The War on Christmas

Halloween has ended and it’s that time of year again. We can feel it in the air, we can see it on the streets.

Back again like a heart attack to a clogged artery. Back in black like Amy Winehouse if she wasn’t dead. Back in your face like things that are easy to see.


In case you’re one of those yuppy-liberal-millennial-gender-nonconforming-heathens, let me explain to you the severity of today’s problem.

It started small, with shopping malls slowly eradicating the grand Christmas tree for many smaller Christmas trees. As we all know, more is not more, bigger is more, and so, the war began.

And then, well, Satan took hold.

As you have all been made aware, Starbucks has succumbed to the pressures of political correctness and removed any and all indications of Christmas from their traditionally religious themed “red cups.” If you happen to shop at other coffee shops that do not participate at all in the changing of paper containers for hot liquids in honor of holiday seasons and baby Jesus, you might not understand why this conversion is so outrageous. Perhaps you’re thinking it is simply a cup and the design changes every year. Perhaps you’re thinking they hire designers to create new looks and often companies streamline products as they get older in order to appear classier and more sophisticated. Perhaps you’re wondering why anyone is worried at all about a paper cup when the company that sells the paper cups make terrible fucking drinks. But really – if this is what you’re worried about, then I’m worried about your soul, young child.

To combat this clearly satanic spiral towards the deepest pits of hell, I have laid out a list of ways you can FIGHT BACK FOR JESUS. And when I say Jesus, I mean Christmas. Because mass commercialization and gift-giving is really the only true way to honor the father god.

1. #MerryChristmasStarbucks! As you may have well heard (or haven’t, because why would you?) former pastor, Joshua Feuerstein, who now calls himself a “social media personality” – the war on christmas will be fought with emojis – has created a campaign to let Starbucks know they are messing with the wrong majority. Lest Starbucks forget that red cups always mean Jesus was born to a virgin in a manger, Josh came up with a clever little trick of making them write “merry christmas” on the cup regardless of design. See, when they ask your name, just SAY it’s “Merry Christmas.” You see? You can look like an absolute idiot, defend yourself in front of an employee who had nothing to do with the cup’s design in the first place, AND really stick it to the Jews all at once! TO JESUS!

2. #HereIsaTree! Whenever you think someone is doubting the way, the truth, and the life, then give them a Christmas tree! Who doesn’t like the smell of pine? And it better not be you, because you’ll be carrying a LOT of foliage in your backpack in the next coming weeks. Sense someone is about to say “happy holidays” instead of “merry Christmas?” Give ‘em a tree! Sure, it’s gonna hurt your back. Sure, they won’t know how to carry it home. But can you really put a level of discomfort on the word of god?

3. #WiseBalls! Think winter time is about playing in the snow, making angels, and throwing snowballs? WRONG. Winter time is about coopting all things to do with cold weather (even in areas without snow!) and making them about Christmas. This year, instead of throwing regular old snowballs, why not infuse your balls with incense and myrrh? Tis the season of hurting your fellow followers of christ with scented resin, hidden deep inside of your snowball. Better yet, as you throw it, try some wisemen catch phrases like “THE NORTH STAR!” and “A BABY HAS BEEN BORN ON THIS DAY!” and “DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY!”

4. #RegiftingForChrist! Did someone get you a present and not specifically write “Merry Christmas” on the packaging? Did you participate in a “gift exchange” rather than a “secret Santa?” Did you ask for something and someone gave you something else? Do they not deserve to know the smite of god? After all, if a gift is given in a name other than god, how do you know the gift didn’t come from Satan? Take the time to let them know you will not be accepting their gift. But rather than give it back to them, by which you may accidentally allow them to put their horrible mistake to good use, you will take the gift and give it to someone else. Not a poor person, after all they have to work for their gifts like the rest of us, but rather someone you were going to get a gift for anyway but now you don’t have to spend money on them. Because nothing says the spirit of Christmas like saving yourself a few bucks while making someone else feel inadequate.

5. #BombAnAbortionClinic. Note: This keeps the Christmas spirit alive all year round!

As you can see, I’ve compiled a good list of ways to keep Christ in Christmas. Some may think paper cups, christmas trees, and snowballs aren’t the true indicators of the occasion, but those people are wrong.

Are all Christians upset with the red cups fiasco? Definitely not. Are most? Probably not. But you know what I say to them? REPENT, SINNERS. FOR THE TIME IS NIGH.

Keep on fighting, warriors.

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