You could use many words to describe the 2016 presidential election. Perhaps you would choose, “long,” “terrifying,” or even, “egalitarian,” if by egalitarian you mean that you believe that all people deserve the right to become president… even the ones that don’t. Personally, I would choose, “crap,” “misleading,” and “can’t-you-just-kill-me-already?” But I respect your choices.
I’ve stayed pretty silent this election season. You would think that someone like me (a nobody with a blog that vaguely centers around politics and quite often misses the mark on humor) would find a lot to speak about given the torrential downpour of bullshit that the last few months have brought upon us. Unfortunately, I have found very little of the election funny. I haven’t wanted to talk about Trump for many reasons, the least of which being his resemblance to that one pumpkin you forgot about after halloween. His face is like a squash hiding beneath your front porch, sinking in on its own rot.
And while this rowdiness can be entertaining, it’s really just exhausting. Decoding the rhetoric of a nonsensical narcissist is only interesting for so long. I don’t know about you, but my own narcissism simply doesn’t allow me much attention to that of another. I HAVE THINGS TO FOCUS ON. THINGS ABOUT MYSELF. ME.
But then something happened that made me really mad at that orange bubble fuck.
He made Ted Cruz look… reasonable.
I recently read an amazing article by Matt Taibbi for Rolling Stone. He explained that young people shouting for Bernie are right in their assessments that Hillary is not a progressive and Bernie is a truly, liberal alternative. He pinpoints places in history (and reasons in history) that have led to the “at least they aren’t republicans” kind of democratic candidates we have gotten used to. You know, the kind of politics we keep being told are going to save us… because at least it’s not them.
I could be mad (and am) at Trump for his views on women, Muslims, Obama, the economy, the way the world works, his decision to make something called “Trump Steaks,” and his general unmistakable and unreasonable obsession with himself. I don’t believe he really hates anyone except people who speak badly about him, but he sure does do a good job of making other people feel comfortable voicing their hatred for any and everyone. I could be mad about all of those things. But what I’m REALLY mad about is that he’s made Ted Cruz seem like a real presidential alternative in a similar way to the candidates Taibbi discusses. At least Cruz isn’t Trump. At least. Cruz.
You know how un-good a choice Ted is? (YES I SAID UN-GOOD.) Here are a few reasons.
He was the one who led the government shutdown in 2013 because he had no discernible plan to replace Obamacare and just wanted a bunch of people to lose their income while he threw a fit about its existence. (For those who think the shutdown did not affect normal, everyday people, you are wrong. I know people who lost their job directly related to a loss in funding from the shutdown. Those people now rely on Obamacare for healthcare, since they lost their employer funded coverage. So… you really just increased the numbers, Teddy.)
He also likes a Mexico wall. Jury’s still out on if he thinks Mexico will pay for it.
He voted NO on the Violence Against Women Act when it was rewritten to include the protection of gay and Native American victims. (Because Natives should probably get fucked a little more by the government, right?)
He doesn’t think we need Planned Parenthood because America’s got a lot of “rubbers.” He said the word “rubbers.” Someone who is running for president made the purposeful lexical choice of “rubbers” when discussing shutting down healthcare clinics. RUBBERS, PEOPLE.
He appeared at the National Religious Liberties Conference in November of last year, headed up by Pastor Kevin Swanson, the leading anti-gay activist that calls for the stoning death of homosexuals and believes that it is god’s plan to decimate the LGBTQ community (REPENT OR DIE… or perhaps just don’t repent and like go get a manicure, because, please).
He puts on this weird, affected voice when he is talking to women or about women’s issues. It’s lower and softer and I think meant to be calming and not creepy or threatening. But it’s not working.
His little rat faced smile. Why is his mouth so small?!??
The way his face makes me feel like I’ve forgotten to punch something.
He uses his sad personal histories as a means of progressing his political career as if he’s a contestant on The Voice willing the people to vote for him so he can finally achieve his dreams after a childhood bout of cancer or something. During the GOP Town Hall Debate in Wisconsin, he used stories of his alcohol grandfather to prove how strong his mother was, as if her strength means that 1. he understands women, 2. he cares about abuse of women (he’s proven that with a big ol’ NO), and 3. women are only meaningful if they are related to him or fall into what I’m sure is his very narrow-minded definition of “strong.” (Natives, immigrants, and the abused need not apply.) PRO TIP: It’s not feminism if the women have to be related to you to matter.
He loves Trump so hard. Really.
His daughter hates him, which is actually a reason to love her.
When he tries to show feelings, he screws up his eyebrows and blinks a lot. He did this when explaining in EXTREMELY intimate detail the death of his sister by drug overdose. Again, this isn’t a reality show and hearing about the way in which her body was found is not helping me understand your proposed policy for fighting drug abuse. Oh wait – it’s probably the Mexicans bringing the drugs in. Never mind. You’ve got a plan. It’s that wall.
His bald spot is alarming.
He uses the word, “heck,” all too often for an adult human male.
And lastly – instead of fighting Trump’s cruel and misguided comments about Cruz’s wife, Cruz puffed up his chest and pointed at a camera, threatening to take on Trump. As is typical for men who don’t really care about women, he missed a golden opportunity to chastise Trump for his treatment of women in general and how his words affect a nation. Instead, he said, “my wife and kids are off limits.” But by all means, go for the gays, the raped, the poor, and those in need of comprehensive health care.
Unfortunately, Ted Cruz is the better option. At least Cruz isn’t Trump. But holy heck, can’t we do better?