Rules for Becoming President

I’m compiling a list for those who may not be in the know.

1. If the pussy isn’t  yours, you must ask permission.


Why? Because they could bite you. Furreal, pussies are not playthings. Just as you would not approach a rogue kitten on the street and attempt to cuddle with it (for one, fleas) you should not approach a pussy attached to the body of a woman and expect it to start purring. Unless you and that pussy already have an established relationship where this sort of behavior is okay, reaching out and grabbing at what is not yours is known in most circles as theft, entitlement, and assault.

2. Pussies are attached to women, who are people, who have feelings, who have souls, who have brains, who can rationally object to your assault. WOW was that a lot to take in!!!!!!! Am I saying that pussies are attached to people?? YES. Am I saying those people are women?? YES! Am I saying that women are thinking, feeling, sentient beings? YES OMG I’VE LOST YOU ALREADY HAVEN’T I.

3. Women do not enjoy being groped by strangers, no matter how rich. Once again, this rule only applies if you and said pussywoman do not have an established relationship where she accepts your pussy-grabbing  because you are rich. If that’s the case, by all means, continue. However – assuming one’s ownership over another human being’s body parts because you are rich (or because you’re an insane person who claims ownership over everything they touch), makes you the asshole and her the victim. Let’s think of it this way. If someone thought it was funny to cut off your expensive tie when they first met you because they hate ties, would that be okay? No. Because it’s not their tie, they didn’t ask permission, and their feelings don’t really mean anything in relation to yourself and your belongings. IT’S THE SAME THING BUT IN THE OTHER DIRECTION FOR THE WOMEN WITH THE VAGINAS EXCEPT MUCH MORE IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT’S HER BODY AND HER MOST INTIMATE PARTS THAT YOU ARE GRABBING AND CLAIMING OWNERSHIP OF – DOES THIS MAKE SENSE?

4. When a woman protests, she is not playing hard to get. It seems hard to admit, but sometimes, women just don’t wannafuckwichu, you know? And sometimes that ain’t hard to get, it’s just like… life. Sometimes you don’t get your way, even if “your way” is putting your dick in an unwilling woman’s birth canal. You understand?

5. “Locker room talk” is another excuse men use when they want to get away with saying something shitty. I get it. I love saying shitty things!!! Talking shit on people is my favorite past time. I think it’s hilarious to be mean. This is why I don’t have many friends. This is also why I won’t ever be president (but it’s the only reason, because in every other aspect of my life I am fucking perfect for the job). But in general, when your “locker room talk” degrades massive amounts of individuals and threatens assault on them, it’s less ManBanter and more Evidence. Also, how is “locker room talk” only an acceptable excuse when discussing how to harm women’s bodies? We don’t call it locker room talk when he’s threatening to deport people, we just admit it’s fucking atrocious. But we all subscribe to this “boys will be boys” bullshit that perpetuates an understanding between men that it’s really okay to say this shit and think this shit as long as the women are too dumb to know about it. And then when someone goes and acts on it we all fucking pretend we are shocked and that it’s #notallmen and that one guy is bad and how dare you tell me I’m a rapist my name is Brock Turner and I was just drunk!! Words turn into thoughts which turn into ideas which turn into action and talking to your friends about how you’re going to assault someone doesn’t make me think you aren’t going to assault someone.

6. In similar news, I am going to create my own beer called ManBanter and it’s going to taste like warm piss and fragile masculinity.

7. When you debate a women, it’s best not to interrupt her with weird noises at every possible moment. She’s used to being interrupted and she will wait you out. She’s got time.

8. If you fucking grab my pussy Donald Trump I swear to god I will break your fingers. I have freakishly strong hands. My boyfriend doesn’t even let me give him massages because my fingers are like daggers in his flesh. There isn’t any reason for this brute strength other than it probably comes from deep within my vaginal folds. I will utilize this femininity to break apart your actual bones. Do. You. Understand. Me.



Post Your Thoughts