New Year New Congress That’ll Fuck You


By now you’ve packed on all the weight that is reasonable (until Valentine’s Day) and you’ve probably attempted a juice cleanse that ended face deep in a bag of chips. (No?) Remember kids, juice cleanses aren’t ridding you of your addiction to food, they are ridding you of food entirely. That dizziness you feel isn’t withdrawal, it’s hunger.

Anyway, I’m feeling pretty dizzy reading about all the crazy that is our new Congress. It’s here, it’s queer, and it’s definitely not queer because it doesn’t believe in LGBTQ rights.

Here are my 2015 rules for our fabulous new leaders.

1. Let me keep getting abortions. Come on. I like access to things like clinics and health care and educated nurses and doctors. I like clean places. Here’s the thing, guys. People are going to get abortions. It’s been happening all over the world for a very long time. Sometimes people just don’t want to have a baby. And sometimes that’s because they were raped or because they are ill (did you know that there are countries that will let a pregnant woman die when her dead fetus is slowly poisoning her, rather than take the dead fetus out of her body??? I’m talking to you, Ireland.) and sometimes it’s because they are too poor to care for the child and sometimes it’s because they make a choice to just not have a baby right now. It’s cool because it’s her choice. And did you know that if I decided to have an abortion or if I even decided to think about the possibility of one since it’s a legal practice in the United States, that that doesn’t mean you have to get one? It’s crazy! You and me can do different things and my actions don’t have to have anything to do with you!!! Also, I get it. You think you are saving baby lives and who doesn’t want to save baby lives? Nobody wants to kill babies. You aren’t a martyr for the cause though, you’re kind of an un-empathetic asshole. So just like, don’t. To my 104 ladies in the new Congress who say things like, “I carry more than lipstick in my purse” (Joni Ernst) and describe themselves as, “kind of a nightmare for the Democratic Party” (Mia Love), stop being caricatures of yourselves and start thinking about how it feels sometimes to be a woman and let me keep getting abortions. Like, hundreds of them. Because that’s how women who have abortions think about abortion. They just want to keep getting hundreds and hundreds of them. (I’m kidding, you know. Most people stop around 40.)

2. Let me smoke weed legally for recreation. Did you know that marijuana was not always illegal in this country? George Washington grew hemp! They basically made it illegal because pharmaceutical companies were up and coming and anything not passed as drugs by the US Department of Agriculture had to be labeled a poison. It’s like how the FDA won’t let you jar your own jams and sell them for profit. Because they can’t make a profit off of it and also maybe botulism. Anyway, it’s all money and organizations and power. Hemp paper was also cheaper to produce and tree paper wanted more money. TREE PAPER. Anyway, it’s dumb. Alcohol is legal and alcohol is responsible for TONS of deaths. But alcohol can’t really be “grown” in your backyard like weed can so the government makes a nice profit off of your jack daniels (and so do I, when you tip me at work). But here’s the thing. Legalize it, sell it stores, tax it, VOILA. Everyone is happy and rich. And stoned. And happy. And hungry. Jam.

3. Don’t repeal Obamacare. But please make it better. Obamacare is like the first step towards something that could be really great. But Obamacare isn’t great. It can be considered successful because more people are insured and that was the stated goal of the project. Congrats! More people have insurance. But it’s expensive as fuck. You didn’t really make it cheaper, you just made it harder to get turned down. And it doesn’t cover everything you need. And it makes you choose from a small list of available doctors and sometimes that means waiting four months to see a gynecologist (talking to you Emblem Health). The deductibles are crazy high, the monthly fees are too expensive for incomes made and it basically helps a select few who make above and below the majority of the people who need it. BUT, it’s a step. It probably would have been an even bigger step had it not be sliced and hacked by the last Congress. You know what make a productive economy? Healthy people. You know what doesn’t? Apparently, you, Congress. Get it together. I need to see a dentist, man.

4. Medicaid. Better yet, make all healthcare like Medicaid. It’s awesome. But it totally drives up the price of medical costs because so many people can’t afford to pay for their healthcare that hospitals overcharge Medicaid users for services (because did you know hospitals can charge you for basically anything???) and then taxpayers end up covering all that shit. Just make everything affordable and universal and this problem won’t happen.

5. Stop borrowing against Medicare to pay for your shitty wars. Hey, I am paying into Medicare and I’m never going to be able to use it because you are bankrupting it for like weapons of mass ISIS or something. Calm the fuck down already.

6. Gay people! And bisexuals and transgenders and queer and asexuals and omnisexual (??). Just like, let them live.

7. Don’t make Congress like church. Because it’s not. And because you aren’t a warrior for god. You’re just some rich people elected to a job. You’re basically middle management of the government. You’re basically all Michael Scotts but with way less of a sense of humor and none of that redemption he finds through Holly. (I’ve been watching a lot of the Office.)



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