Kim Davis: The Religious Right’s New Jesus

We officially have a new martyr for the political-Christian cause, ladies and gentlemen; Kim Davis, the Kentucky court clerk who refuses to issue marriage licenses for gay couples, despite a recent Supreme Court ruling telling her she must do so, as defined by her job description.

But listen guys. Before you judge her too harshly for workplace incompetence or, like, misunderstanding ancient texts as a means of continuing her bigoted belief system, I want you to consider the possibility that she is the new martyr we’ve all been waiting for. And by we, I mean Fox News and Mike Huckabee, and almost every other Republican candidate, and probably also Jesus, because that guy’s been under a lot of pressure lately and he’s had enough of the martyr business, from what I hear, which isn’t much, to be honest, since I stopped listening to that guy awhile ago.

But wait. Stay with me.

First there was Moses. That guy totally took one for the team with the whole presenting himself in front of an angry and irrational Pharaoh thing. Gotta love that guy. Then, of course, we upgraded to Jesus and to a new religion… a more perfected religion, according to Ann Coulter. But really Jesus was like Moses 2.0, like saying let me people go, but to his dad. So then Jesus dies and the next best thing was Reagan, I’m pretty sure. Then for awhile we tried out Heaven’s Gate because how fun are cults? And we’ve been dry ever since. Note to future cults: ritualistic suicide and mass murder are not helping the cause, in the long run. Really dwindles the numbers.

Need a new role model for martyrdom and spiritual aggression? Look no further, fellow misguided religious incumbents! Kim Davis is here!

She is working for the literal god.

Not the government, who is actually her employer, but the literal g-o-double-d. And wouldn’t you know it? God doesn’t like homosexuals. Which is actually funny, because I’m pretty sure her spiritual texts also speak against divorce, of which she’s had three. But who’s counting?

Me. I am. But definitely not Kim. (She’s a new Christian, so this makes sense.)

Do you think that she thinks that the clerk who issued her numerous divorce finalizations are hell-bound? Does she think she sent them there? I have so many questions for her. What else do you do for god? What can I do as a sexually fluid, fornicating, ladytalker to guarantee my place in the sky? Does god make sure your football team wins, and if so, what about the other team? Are none of them praying correctly?

Just to be clear, I am not happy she has been divorced three times. I could care less about who Kim Davis is as a person. While I would like to believe she is not a murderer, it would make little to no difference to me on a personal level, unless of course she decided to murder me. It’s kind of shitty to delve into the personal lives of people in the public eye, especially since someone’s past does not necessarily reflect who they are in the present.

But the reason why this information is so vital now is because she is being a dick.

Sorry, but when you use your power and influence – albeit she originally had little and now seems to have a lot (she’s just, she’s just Kimmy from the block) –  to oppress and discriminate against others, then your hypocrisy is open for hunting season. You are my deer. Though, I’m a vegetarian, so actually… this isn’t a good metaphor.

Kim Davis, consider yourself my broccoli. I will boil you and cover you with lemons.

We saw this forgetful-discrimination-hypocrisy recently with my dear friend Josh Duggar, notorious Christian activist and prominent child molester to the stars – I mean, his sisters. While I don’t particularly care that he cheated on his wife and I’m not happy in the slightest that it was revealed he was a child molester, there is some wicked vindictive pleasure I get out of knowing these things, since he’s used his celebrity to advocate for legislation that would harm the rights of LGBTQ+ individuals across the country, specifically by saying they would be harmful to CHILDREN. HE SAID THAT. HE – THE ONE WHO TOUCHED KIDS IN THEIR SLEEP – SAID THAT. HE SAID IT.

And little Kimmy Davis is now god’s voice of matrimonial sanctity.

In all seriousness, I make fun of her because I don’t know how to argue her point. I was really religious at one point in my life and so I, too, faced the idea of heaven and hell beating down upon my every decision. I once refused to take a whistle out of a free bag of whistles because I thought it might be considered stealing. And then when everyone else I was with took a whistle, I was able to say I wasn’t taking one because of Jesus. You see how stupid that sounds? It’s completely irrational, but I believed that someone in the sky might put me in hell because I took something that may not have been mine but that was openly available to me. It was a free whistle, guys. And I was worried about hell.

She truly believes that she is fighting for her place in heaven. She really believes she is saving the people she is discriminating against. And Republicans really seem to believe that she is being persecuted for her religious beliefs, and not just being held accountable for a shitty work performance.

As a result of her continued refusal to issue licenses, she’s been arrested – which is only going to spur more cries of religious persecution – but not because she’s a Christian. It’s because she’s defying court order.

Why is it that when a black community breaks some windows and takes to the streets (in both peaceful protest and not), we tell them to get over it, fight for rights in a lawful way, and, in a general and ultimately racist way, be better than they are?

But when marriage equality is made law of the land, Mike Huckabee calls for Christians to resort to civil disobedience, in the hope that they can fight their own religious persecution?

Why is it when LGBTQ+ individuals complain about discrimination and ask for equal rights, they are met with “it’s not as bad as Africa, at least you’re not being murdered,” and told to gain some perspective? Yet Christians in America aren’t having their heads chopped off by ISIS. They are just asked to fulfill their job descriptions. That’s not persecution, you’re just tired of your boring government job.

And why wouldn’t you be? Government jobs are boring. Boring people work them. You, Kim Davis, are boring. You just happen to be having a really exciting week.

If you really cared about Jesus and god and heaven and all of that bullshit, you’d quit. That would be proving to the world you refused to do the work. Instead, you are hurting people. On purpose. You are looking people in the eye and you are telling them that they will be judged by the god you believe in. That’s not religious freedom, Kim. That’s not speaking the word of god and defending your rights. That’s being an asshole with a platform.

Post Your Thoughts